"L" is for Love, "L" is for Loathe

Chicago has many forms of public transportation, but none is so famous as the "L." Of course, the nickname is derived from the fact that the trains are elevated; however, the mixed emotions in every Chicagoans heart about the rails have lead me to believe that "L" might stand for a little something more.

It is truely unlike any other public transportation system in the country. For the firstpart, it is color coded-- the only system in the US that goes by hue rather than number or name. What truely fashionable girl can resist a color-coordinated system. And, being the lucky woman I am, I get to travel on my favorite color every day-- purple. Obviously there are other benefits to the color system: maps are incredibly easy to read and understand. Pertinent bulletins color coordinate with your needs.

The elevated nature of the rails adds other benefits. First, rails are easy to find on aerial pictures (GoogleEarth) and on the ground. Just look up. From the train, the view allows travelers to feel less cramped and get some scenery in on that hour-long commute. You are less likely to miss your stop because you can SEE where you are at. It is a special blessing to newcommers, like me, who like to look out the windows and pick restuarants or shops to try.

In an age where gas prices have soared (over $3 a gallon here), the "L" provides an escape. For $1.75 a ride, you can avoid gas and parking fees (not to mention all the expenses associated with a car). The "L"'s lines act as arteries to direct thousands of people into and out of the heart of the city, buses help supplement where the "L" does not go, making it possible to go almost anywhere within the city without a car.


So with all of those great benefits, you might be wondering what is not to love about our beloved "L." Well, here is a few ideas:

1. The girl that discusses the intimate details of her last gynecological visit over the phone, which is breaking up. Of course, all my city folk-friends know that losing signal in a public place is not a reason to hang up. No, by all means, talk louder. It is a benefit to other riders to know what rash they might catch by standing near by.

2. The gropers. I really could not believe the existance of this group as anything but an urban legend until I saw it, and being me, unwittingly sat next to it. Now, I am not slow, but you all don't know how rare a seat can be these days. However, we all have our limits. This guy kept "bumping" into me at every stop. Two stops later I sadly gave up my seat but not the view. I watched the guy do the same thing to three other women. In between the "bumps" on the ride he would actually bend down to look up the skirts or lean over to look in the shirts of any sleeping, standing, or breathing girl on the train. But I have learned a few things from this guy... NEVER sleep on the train (should be obvious, but hey), never sit next to a forty year old man with a three foot neon orange straw hanging out of his pocket (this was literal folks), and lastly, never trust a commuter without an iPod, book, or disinterested look.

3. The Psuedo-normals. Those poor souls who appear normal until you realize any of the following: they are holding up a complete conversation with the voices in their heads, they have started to punch the air for no reason, they have unusual stain locations, they have begun to twitch, they have begun to touch the pole inappopriately, they think they have super powers. Oh, and so I don't forget, I have to add anyone who has clauserphobia that tries public transportation during rush hour... I mean, honestly...

4. Anyone with a crying baby.

5. Body Odor. I suggest an alteration of the roller-coaster you-must-be-this-high-to-ride rule. My proposal is that if I can smell you at five feet, you cannot board the train-- part of the clean air act or something.

6. The Hackers. The Coughers. The Sneezers. All of which have formed a secret pact to make the world sick by not covering their mouths.

7. The Urban Enterpuners. In this category I will crassly group anyone who uses the CTA to try to sell me anything (most popular items being socks, hats, and CDs) or tries to take my money in a variety of ways. The gamblers who run shell games-- complete with partners. The most bold, of course, being the shouters. These businessmen and women go throughout the train yelling "I need 5 cents" and getting uncomfortably close to nearby passengers.

8. I saved the best for last. This beast is so rare that even natives had only heard stories and even some were shocked. Posing as a normal surburbanite, this creature seems fine until the train doors close. Then he proceeds to notice an unseemingly sunburn that has started to peel. Of course, this is an invitation to start helping the processes along by taking long strips of skin from the offending area and letting them fly around the train car. Bits of this weirdos skin landed on people's clothes and handbags. I took a breif pause, swallowed the rising vomit, and moved to a safer location on the train. Of course, when I got off the train and saw Joe I told him very loudly of the offensive behavior. The guy on the train actually blushed! It cracked me up. I cannot believe that it never crossed his mind what he was doing. Let's all have one big EW!!!


Well, at least they are installing camera's in every train in 2009. Come and visit in three years, maybe things will be a little more normal. Although we do already have a lot of pretty amusing signs asking us to report suspicious activities. Of course, there is never anyone to report the activity to, and if you have riden any public transportation, ever, you will know just how funny that is. Can you really report everyone?

It has become a personal theory that the "crazy" people are probably pretty sane. Afterall, the rest of us end up having to share seats and space with others. Maybe the best idea is to start screaming obcenities, wildly punching the air, or rocking back and forth. So, next time you see me in the "L" I might be the one with the odd twitch-- just to get a little space.